Long time...I know...

It's scary really. It's scary how much I've changed in the past few years. These feelings I've been having are especially scary...

I just keep thinking all of these random things. I keep thinking that I'm still in love with Andrew and that I'm trying to stop that. But I also don't want to stop it. But I don't even know if he cares anymore. I keep thinking I want to love Tim so much more than I do but I can't. And I keep thinking that maybe I don't feel for Tim the way I thought, so I changed my focus to another guy.

Ms. Lane says this is what happens to people with ADD. They have all these thoughts they can't sort out...

Like how much I really miss Andrew. Like how empty I feel without him. But at the same time, Tim fills me back up. It's these constant ups and downs. I don't like long term relationships. Seven months with Andrew was long term for me. And I miss it. No matter how difficult things got, I always knew things with him were going to be okay. I always knew that whether or not he was listening, he really cared and would do so much for me...Tim cares for me too. He upsets me sometimes because he is very blunt and I always say he dosen't know how to speak to a girl. I just have problems with the things I don't want to hear I think.

And all I've been doing is panicing because I don't want to ruin this relationship (or not so much) with Tim too. I don't want to lose someone who I think really cares about me. Because I truthfully can't do without having someone care about me...I need someone to talk to. And I don't have many of those people because most of them have lied to me and made me not want to trust them. So I often feel very alone.

And the worst part of it is Andrew lied to me about trusting me!

And I keep stressing about Uni! AHHHH!

On the other hand, I met the manager of one of my favourite bands today. He has his own record label too. His mom is my substitute for my summer school trig class and he came to visit her because I guess he came home for vacation. She introduced me to him and after class (since it's my last one) I walked outside with him where he asked me if I was into performing music, not just listening to it. And I said yes so he asked to see some of what I've written? So I emailed it to him tonight. He likes it a lot. He said next time he's here, he'd like to help me work on the songs and maybe make a demo? That'd be cool but I'd need quite a bit of work on my guitar. *sigh*


I'm telling you. I think I'm bipolar.




Edit: Final thoughts- I love Tim. I really do. And I don't want it to change.